Regrets, We All Have a Few

Early on in the night my dad passed away, the nursing staff informed us that he might not make it to daybreak. My mom was tired and wanted to go home instead of staying with him for the night. I didn’t blame her. She was exhausted after taking care of my dad during the slow decline of his health over the two years leading up to his final hospitalization.

It was a dark, cold winter night in Cape Town, not safe for me to be out alone in a country where people locked themselves behind iron gates after sundown. I wanted to stay with my dad but at the same time didn’t want my mom home alone when she received news of his passing. I stayed with her. Around 3AM the phone call came. He was gone. No more visits, conversations, or good times, only memories.

Oh, how I wanted to see him one more time.

What if he had one final thing he wanted to say to me? Was he feeling alone? And on and on, almost too much to ponder. I love him, I was his only girl, and we had a special bond. I was not there.

Instead of fading away as time went on, the lost moments with my dad became distressing. In much grief, I cried out to God for release when regret traded the lifetime of our countless meaningful moments together for the sadness of missing the last.

God took me on a journey of understanding the power of thoroughly enjoying the moments we do have instead of grieving the ones we miss. We cannot always control the moments we get; however, we can decide to wholly enjoy the special ones we do have by being fully present. My dad’s final moments now belong to God who completed the good work He started in my dad’s life, while I treasure every meaningful moment life offers me as a gift.

Why not be honest about our addictions to multitasking that disables us to be in only one place at a time? We think we have to hold our worlds together with busyness, and being physically present while mentally somewhere else, is good enough. Why not leave our troubles at the door and immerse ourselves in the moments spent doing the things we love and value, moments with the people we love and those who genuinely care about us.

Are you fully present in the good moments in your life?

If you are not sure, ask someone you do life with. They may be very ready to let you know. Be open to their responses, they may be hard to hear.

NOT ALONE

A simple social media survey was done recently that showcased the overwhelming sadness, and destructive power of regret as people of all walks of life divulged their intense struggles. The picture painted by the comments struck me as too sad to ignore.

I’m not entirely sure why the response to the survey was unexpected to me. Maybe because of the significant number of people who responded with uncanny readiness to share, almost relieved they finally found someone who cared enough to listen. Perhaps giving expression to the nagging negative thoughts gave them hope for future peace or at least acknowledgment of their pain.

Some participants had regrets that seemed bearable, such as wishes about different actions and outcomes, while others lived with haunting sorrows of preventable events with detrimental consequences. Some regrets were desires while others were huge blunders that diminished people’s quality of life, such as not following a dream or pursuing a relationship, not being present at the death of a loved one or spending more time with particular individuals no longer around, or making decisions that harmed or brought suffering to others.

Having regrets is proof we are human, imperfect, and designed to feel emotions, even unhealthy ones, but some can and should be redirected or dealt with—if only we know how.

CLOSE TO HOME

Our two sons graduated high school, one left for college, and our daughter got engaged and married, all in a short period of time. Significant changes in my role as their mother left me with a hodgepodge of emotions ranging from extreme gratefulness to profound grief. I loved being a mom raising these beautiful human beings, so my world shook when they suddenly didn’t need me the same way anymore. Although I raised them to be healthy adults, I was unprepared for the separation, the lack of daily interaction, and the vacant chairs at the dinner table.

I soon realized the sadness made room for regrets that suddenly attacked out of nowhere. My mind went back to when they were young and all the mistakes I made as a mother. Who told my mind to do that? Not I!

It cut me to the core thinking there might have been a way to be a better mom to them than I was.

I once again took refuge in God and His Word. He was definitely not the source of these damning accusations, neither was it God’s will for me to live in regret after the honor I enjoyed of spending a lifetime raising my wonderful children.

When it comes to taking care of family, I found that no matter how much we give of ourselves and sacrifice to fulfill our responsibilities the best way we know how, somehow regret can find illegal entry into our souls. It is no different in various other areas of life such as running our businesses, building our careers, and fostering relationships. Illegal because past actions and outcomes we deeply regret may not be as bad as they feel, or they come on mission to inflict misery without consent or invitation.

A beautiful season as the mother to a growing family came to an end with a bumpy ride into the next stage of life.

I had to find new spaces in my heart to store some of the most significant experiences of my life safely as memories free from regret and filled with ongoing celebration. It took time to reflect, lean on Jesus, and have deep conversations with my children that lead me to embrace all the choices I made as a mother. They were made the best I knew how and came from a pure heart and godly intentions to bring goodness to my family.

It took effort to wrap up a season past without paralyzing regrets, but working through the tough spots was worth the peace I now enjoy.

We all have simple thoughts and memories of decisions made over a lifetime that have potential to grow into full-blown regrets that settle in as part of the furniture of our souls. We need healing, release, permission to forget, and a clean slate to fill with the many joys in our lives at present.

Many actions of the past may look like mistakes today, but in fact were the best decisions we knew to make at the time.

We can’t relive the past in the wisdom we gained from it—unfortunately. Regrets keep us wishing we had made different decisions while all of us make more good ones than bad. Yet, a few bad choices can gain strength over time and drown most of the good. How sad is that!

We do learn from our mistakes. They are redemptive in that they make us stronger and wiser for the future. We never stop learning and maturing through experiences, which cause our views and motivations to change over time. Consequently, today’s actions may still turn into tomorrow’s regrets.

Why not settle a fact that is true for every person alive—bad decisions will happen? Making peace with that reality is good. However, today is a new day to learn, get stronger through our mistakes, and fill the clean slate God offers us with the best actions and decisions we have to offer at the present.

HEALING WATERS

There is a story in the Bible about multitudes of sick people who received healing by getting into a pool of water while it was being stirred by an angel of the Lord. The stirring happened at a particular time each day and caused healing for the first person that went into the water.

Imagine that—a pool surrounded by people with every imaginable disease, including the lame, blind, even withered. All of them waited for the angel to stir the water for their chance to leave that place entirely well and healthy. Come to think about it in today’s terms, who in their right mind gets into a pool where all kinds of diseases are rinsed? Unthinkable right?

But this was different. People were desperate for healing. Every day they saw miracles and knew if only they could get the chance to be in the water first, they would be one of those fortunate ones who go home healed. They probably didn’t ask many questions about exactly how these miracles happened either. The only question was how to get into the water before anyone else. This was especially true for one man who didn’t know the answer.

He was lame.

For thirty-eight years.

Unable to get into the water.

He sat there day after day, powerless to help himself, hoping somehow someone would be merciful and let him in ahead of the crowds that scrambled at the stirring of the water. How sad. So close, yet so far.

Complete redemption was right in front of him, yet he remained sick.

Can you imagine the look on his face every day when he saw the healed people getting up out of the water, picking up their stuff, and walking away? The water in the pool returned to normal, the opportunity came and went, and he was left out in the cold once again.

For whatever reason, we all find ourselves plagued by ailments we can’t fix. Suffering the torment of regrets of stupid decisions and mistakes of the past, leave humans sick all around us every day. Maybe you are one of them. I was.

We all fall short in trying to fix it ourselves, unable to get into the healing waters at just the right time. We may need a hand, help from someone who is well and able to pick up our paralyzed hearts and get us into the stirring waters.

Who will that person be? What does this story mean?

There is only One who can get us to the presence of God where the supernatural occurs and miracles happen. His name is Jesus. He is the Way, the One who came for this very reason—to pick up our sorry sick souls and carry us into the water. Jesus is our answer and intervenes in our weakness by giving us strength to face our circumstances, placing people in our lives to show us the way to God, lighting our path with His Word, and comforting us by His Spirit.

This story means that where God is, the supernatural is stirring and we can get healed without cost or being deserving. Jesus walked by the pool one day and noticed the man, knowing he had been sick a long time. Jesus asked, “Do you want to be made well?” I’m thinking, “Of course the answer is ‘Yes’, Jesus should have known that!” He did. Jesus doesn’t ask questions because He doesn’t know the answer, but because we don’t. The man answered Jesus, saying the problem was he had no one to help him into the water. Every time he got close, someone else stepped in front of him.

Note that Jesus didn’t lift him up and put him into the pool but instead revealed Himself as the One who does the healing. No water, no pool, no finding a man to help, just Jesus’ words crushing the root of the sickness: “Rise, take up your bed and walk.”

Those same words are still in power today.

Jesus is still the One who shows up on the scene without invitation, overruling all our limitations and says: “Rise up and walk.”

Rise up out of the claws of regret, walk away and be well. Not because we deserve it, not because we make perfect decisions and live innocent lives, but solely because Jesus shows up.

Regrets often are just too heavy for us to lift off our own shoulders. Some mistakes are so big they give power to regrets that can plague us until the day we die. It does not have to be that way. Jesus, through His miraculous power and endless love for mankind, came to earth to stir the water so we can be healed. Not like in the Bible story where it was only at certain times for those who could get in first, but He came for one and all.

Jesus Christ covered our mistakes with one broad stroke of blood, setting us free from the guilt that empowers regret.

“For they shall not be ashamed who wait for Me.” Isa 49:23 NKJV

“Even by the springs of water He will guide them. Isa 49:10 NKJV

“For the Lord has comforted His people, and will have mercy on His afflicted.” Isa 49”13 NKJV

PRAYER:

Lord, I now accept Your gift of freedom I don’t deserve. Thank You for paying for my faults when You gave Your life on the cross. I release my pain and regret to You, along with the power of it to torment me. I leave it at Your feet and walk away in Your strength. I am healed, free, and redeemed. Let Your Kingdom come and Your will be done in my life as it is in heaven. For Yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.

OPTIONAL PRACTICAL APPLICATION:

Save or print the "10 Days of Releasing Regret" guide to meditate on for the next 10 days.

10 DAYS OF RELEASING REGRET

Read and meditate one truth a day for the next 10 days to find the way to live free from tormenting regrets and enjoy your life!

DAY 1

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save.” Zep 3:17 ESV

It does not take much living to generate regrets, life happens to us all. God is not surprised by or unaware of our mess-ups, but ready to show us His love and save us from our worst mistakes. You are not alone.

DAY 2

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Gal 5:1 NIV

Sadly, most people accept regrets as a part of life, allowing them permanent residency in their souls. You do not have to. Christ paid the price for your freedom and broke the power of torment over your life, no matter what it is.

DAY 3

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!” Isa 43:18, 19 NIV

Regrets are about water under the bridge, issues of the past that can never be touched again, reminders following people like a sorry shadow of how it could have been. Let bygones be bygones. You are allowed to leave painful regrets in the past and live fully in the new day God gave you.

DAY 4

“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.” Deut 29:29 NIV

Truth is, there is no way to know the answer to “what if,” neither any proof that “if only” would have made life better. Some things are for God only to know. You don’t have to understand the past to live free from it. Let it be.

DAY 5

“Guard against turning back from the grace of God. Let no one become like a bitter plant that grows up and causes many troubles with its poison.” Heb 12:15 GNT

Regret is a gateway to multiple other emotions such as guilt, despair, and bitterness. Don’t tolerate it. Forgive yourself and all those who caused you to make mistakes. Let God heal and deal with the past.

DAY 6

“So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.” Ecc 3:12 NLT

You have permission to enjoy life no matter your childhood or what anyone has made you believe. You are designed for joy. Don’t let another day die on the altar of regret. Take your mind off the past and celebrate today.

DAY 7

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Matt 11:28 NIV

God is well able to accept us in any condition and redeem the things we’ve squandered and destroyed. Carrying regrets are exhausting. If you are tired, let God give you rest. It is not hard for God; with Him nothing is impossible.

DAY 8

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.” Ps 103:12,13 NIV

We can’t go back to where mistakes were made to fix it, but God can. He is not trapped in or bound by time, but covers us, removes our mistakes, and erases the sting of regret. Believe Him.

DAY 9

“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Ps 118:24 ESV

There are times to work hard and put in the sweat equity life requires, but there are also times to leave the dishes in the sink, the emails in the inbox, and soak up the goodness of the moment. The fruit of your hands is your reward; you are allowed to bask in the goodness of God without guilt.

DAY 10

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Prov 17:22

Most people, marriages, and relationships do not suffer as a result of too much sadness, but a lack of good times. Plan celebrations, take the trip, plan the vacation, have the picnic in the park, invite people for a dinner party, or do whatever helps you express joy. The joy of God is your strength; it will get you through the tough times.