The Roles People Play in Your Life Part 3
- Eleanor Becker
- Jan 1, 2019
- 6 min read
Updated: Jan 4, 2019
3. FOR-EVER PEOPLE
They are not necessarily perfect people or relationships, yet strong and loyal.
Both sides enjoy special connections that will last forever.
Commitment is too high for circumstances to let the connection die.
They are very special, unusual, hard-to-find, and life-giving.
These bonds survive challenges, changes, tension, and even disappointment.
They may be very close or even less personal, depending on the way you relate.
A HEALTHY RESPONSE
Make sure these are healthy relationships; toxic ones are never for-ever.
It is about commitment both ways that survive testing and troubles.
Appreciate and invest in them with the required patience and sacrifice.
Expect there to be obstacles; learn to overcome them patiently.
Accept that some are personal while others are only professional in nature.
Stay loyal and protect the professional ones, even in times of separation.
We were invited for much more than dinner that first Easter we spent together. Not sure if the Nuss family realized it at the time, but when they reached out to us as fellow South Africans in America, God had greater plans. We don’t see each other often because we live in different states, but when we do it is as if we’ve never been apart. We know and respect each other, our hearts connected by walking together through very difficult times. I wrote extensively about our for-ever connection in our book: BURNED AND UNBROKEN: A True Story of Pain, Courage, and Miracles.
The Horner family also invited us into their home, Dr. Horner was the dean of Regent University where Hennie studied when we first arrived in America. As a brilliant theologian, he taught us far more than the content of his class syllabus. The Horners loved us with great humility as we enjoyed countless meals, visits, and holidays together, and also walked with us through hell after Hennie’s accident. Many miles separate us now, but the endearing connection is instantly felt when we see each other. No earthly force could have set this up—we know it was God. We will honor them forever.
We have other friends in our lives right now that are without a doubt for-ever people to us. Totally unplanned by any of us, we enjoy a God-bond that has survived change and turmoil fit to break any friendship. Our mutual acknowledgment that our connections are beyond even our own emotions or circumstances, leave us grateful to witness the purposes of God unfold as we stay committed to each other.
You will know when a relationship is for-ever by the bond that doesn’t seem to break when storms roll in. It is truly a beautiful thing, supernatural and uplifting.
For-ever relationships sometimes require a fight, extra effort, loving imperfect people, being vulnerable, and going beyond what is comfortable.
Don’t be surprised when even your most valued relationships are tested.
Good things in life seldom come without a fight, and God’s will is mostly found in the extra mile.
If you feel lonely with few or no real friends, it is never too late to ask God to help you be a friend to someone else. The only way to have a friend is to be one by genuinely caring about the person you want to be friends with. Friendship is about giving, about loving the other person the way they need to be loved without unhealthy control or pressure. I am not a friendship expert, but after a lifetime of counseling people and also having experienced my share of real and fake relationships, here are a few short characteristics to look for in friendships:
HEALTHY FRIENDS
Reciprocate the sentiments of friendship.
Leave you feeling good after spending time together, mostly.
Have room for who you really are and appreciate your personality.
Offer friends grace when they mess up.
Defend you behind your back.
Genuinely care about what you care about, just because they care.
Do not give up and walk out at the first sign of discomfort.
Advance your agenda and dreams.
Celebrate, laugh, and cry with you when called for.
Are honest with you, even when it hurts, in order to make things better.
When most of the listed characteristics of healthy friendships are not present, it probably should not be a for-ever friend.
Real friends look out for each other with love that goes beyond what you deserve.
Take courage to pursue friendships by being the friend you want to have, ready to fight and forgive often in order to keep friendships healthy, honest, and lasting.
4. FOR-NEVER PEOPLE
You care about them but the connection mostly disappoints.
You may give mercy and walk a second mile, but nothing changes.
There is no loyalty to you when you are not around.
Repeated painful events eventually lead to irreparable destruction.
Loved ones warn you of the toxic nature of these connections.
They cause you to act outside your nature, bringing out the worst in you.
A HEALTHY RESPONSE
Take the responsibility for allowing negativity to consume your life.
Seek wise counsel and prepare to make life-giving decisions.
They may require love, but from a distance. Even from afar.
Breaking these ties could be dangerous, so get help when you decide to do so.
Stop spending your time, talent, and treasure on these relationships.
I almost married the wrong man. How tragic that would have been for both of us.
It didn’t happen overnight but little by little I was drawn into a relationship that was mistakably on the road to lifelong commitment. I gave the relationship room to develop, hoping it would get better but in the process caused both of us to continue on a road that had no happy destination.
He must have been terribly frustrated with my reluctance to set a date to get married, which probably pushed him over the edge. I saw a future that had nothing to offer but strife since we seemed to have trouble bringing out the best in each other.
I ran to God in desperation, asking for a sign I vowed to heed. Almost immediately God answered me as clearly as I had asked for, which helped me end the saga of disaster. It didn’t go well, not well at all, not for a long time. It could have been much worse and I was scared, wondering how in the world I found myself in a place of such dysfunction.
I had no liberty to announce to the world the real reason for the breakup. No one would have believed me anyway so I chose to let it be, giving him the room to build a new life without our past being blamed for future troubles. It might have been my fault, I didn’t dance to his music, which made him crazy mad, so in reality both of us were the problem. I had no business being in that relationship. I had to get out, and I did.
I learned the hard way to not take unacceptable behavior or signs of bizarre thinking patterns lightly. There comes a time to be honest about relationships that are clearly causing more pain than happiness, heading for a dead end or even a high cliff. When it is time to get out and bring an end to what clearly is a for-never relationship, God's direction, wise counsel and much courage are needed.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
We are to love everyone always, yet at times we encounter those to be loved from a distance. It is time to find godly counsel to guide you in terminating toxic relationships filled with constant manipulation, aggravation, hostility, or life-threatening dange. These connections need to be taken seriously and dealt with sooner than later.
If this is a spouse or a family member, different rules apply. Simply deciding not to love them anymore and labeling them as for-never people is not a way out of a relationship you are supposed to stay committed to. However, two scenarios that are not negotiable and should not be tolerated one more minute in marriage are infidelity and someone’s life being in danger. Never ever tolerate them, but get wise counsel and help from those who love you. God is well able to restore any brokenness; there is nothing too hard for God, yet continuing in such disfunction without intervention is foolishness.
PRAYER
Lord, I ask for Your guidance and strength in making decisions about unhealthy relationships in my life. I desire to follow You in all areas of my life. Please lead me in Your will and wisdom. I am separating myself from all toxic connections, turning to You as my Savior and choose to do life Your way. God, I ask that You guide and guard me in all the decisions I make in order to accomplish all You have in store for me. Thank You, Jesus.
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” 1 Cor. 15:33 NIV
Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31 NIV
One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Prov. 18:24 NIV
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Ecc. 4:9, 10 NIV
You are permitted to select the people you allow close in life.
You are allowed to surround yourself with those who love you,
care about you,
will go to bat for you,
and guide you on a successful path
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